Back from the ashes like a Phoenix
A bit of cringey soul searching
Have you ever had a day when you felt like you needed some sort of immense revelation? A breakthrough? A kind of rewiring of your brain that can never be taken back?
I am having that exact feeling right now. Therefore, I put on the most comfortable pair of trainers and went on a long walk because for some reason the weather is absolutely glorious and breathable. IT’S A SIGN, WE’RE DOING THIS.
And of course I needed fuel for my transformative journey, so I started browsing some podcasts because I wanted to morph while walking in nature while also listening to some spectacularly insightful conversations that could build me back from the ashes like the Phoenix that I am.
Newsflash: the revelation didn’t reveal itself. Maybe because I couldn’t find the proper podcast. Or maybe I was forcing something that wasn’t there.
I gave up and just sat on a bench and jotted on a notepad some thoughts that where not new at all. And then I just stared around me. Enjoyed the wind, and the trees. Maybe my expectations are the only things that stand in my way.
A month ago I wrote this in a note:
You don’t deserve anything and Nothing is owed to you are lessons that have crystalized in my mind far too late in life. And it’s extremely liberating. Not that I am or ever was an entitled person, yet these feelings still eroded my soul.
And I don’t mean it in a resentful and judgemental way, it’s a concise version of the feeling of undeserving expectation that has crept into my mind somehow. I don’t have this entitlement generally speaking, however I dug enough within to realise that in spite of that, I still wanted and/or expected things. Not from people necessarily, but from life. And that is distructive in a way, because it blinds me from observing the things that I have received without deserving per se. And ultimately it stops me from being thankful of all the things that could go wrong and didn’t, things that did work out, and that worst case scenario that hasn’t happened yet and may never will.
A week after I wrote that note I stumbled upon this:
I need to get into a place of enjoying… life, basically in such a way that the rewards (revelations, in this case) come unexpectedly and actually have the effect that they are supposed to have. Difficult, but that’s the way it is.
Otherwise, I am just playing in my own absurdist theater play.
https://open.spotify.com/track/6lFZbCc7pn6Lme1NP7qQqQ?si=h0kZ6rmlRKGaatgRR_09Ig